Wednesday, June 27

paul ordered cable. i can't believe he did that, and without even talking to me. i don't want cable, no matter the cost. tv is addictive enough without paying money for it, and even if it isn't a lot, i would just rather not have it around. it's like not putting yourself in a tempting situation. this admits, of course, that i am tempted by cable... that even though i say that i know intellectually that tv is numbifying and turn your brains to mush, as well as allowing the media to infiltrate your life and affect your values even more than already, still i know that tv is also mesmerizing, and that i have a tendency to rely on it when i am procrastinating. so i am not pleased at all with him. jerk. if he'd at least talked me into it first, i would feel better, too. i want to throw the tv out. and yet i am not truly ready to do that... not when we have come to rely on it as a source of slacking, and as a center for entertainment in a social atmosphere. and yet i wish i could. so i make up for my weakness by saying i wish paul would feel that way, so i could heartily agree and not have to fight a half-hearted battle over things like cable.
i hate brad. hate him hate him hate him! he's like dave pax in how he makes you feel small and stupid. except dave pax would have a hissy if he knew how much paper brad wanted me to waste. suzy told me brad had to have things done just so, his way. well, his way is wrong. he doesn't need to have me reprint six zillion pages - he can wait until september and i will do it better then. i hate him hate him hate him for checking up on me, and i will never leave filing out again so he can do that. he can just go fuck himself, the big stupid loser.

Thursday, January 25

so i got a job offer.
and now i don't know what to do.
the thing is that if i take it, we'll have to stay here next year, instead of going away on internship.
that might not be a bad thing, but it's something we hadn't thought about.
God, please help!

Thursday, January 18

i did some resumes today. that makes me feel good.
i will go out and do a couple more apps tomorrow, so i will have done about 5 for the week. hopefully i'll be able to do some followups on those next week. if not, i'll start over.

i look over and over at the social services section, and the education section. i'd say i'm convinced that that's where my heart lies. i'm having thoughts about adult ed? guess i should try everything before i decide. phooey. if only i had a mom to make all the arrangements for me. or a social director. or a maid. or a concierge.

i'll just pretend to be my own mother. not my mom. but someone like that. like if i were a mom. i'll pretend. play act. it'll work great.

Sunday, January 14

number one: what makes me happy? energized and optimistic? feel as though I have worth in my own eyes?

nature makes me happy - fresh air and stars and flowers. time alone, or the prospect of it. worship, prayer. camps. travel and adventure. solving complex problems/ challenges.

i think it's important to really ask yourself what makes you joyful and fulfilled, rather than just happy. i haven't done that so much before.

question two - which of my traits make me glad to be me? what am i like when i'm at my best?

intelligence. problem solving. eye for art/beauty. energy to get things done. capable-ness. strength.
i'm together. inspired. listening. understanding. quick. challenged. enough challenge so i don't have time for pride.

what top five values do i strive to live by or admire in others?

selflessness. simplicity. self knowledge. diligence. love.

what do i want to have accomplished when i look back upon my life in old age?

hell if i know.

i'd like to have many stories to tell. stories of different lands. stories of eccentric people. stories of taking risks, and of doing crazy things.
i want to know myself.
i want to have faith like a rock.
i want to have served God honestly and fully, without holding back anything.
i want to still be serving.
i want to have found a dream and followed it.

this is all still really ambiguous, nothing concrete at all.

Friday, January 12

damn computer.
paul's gone. why do my blogs always start with where paul is? because he's a part of me... but also because if i'm spending time alone in front of the computer, it means that paul is somewhere else, busy or sleeping etc. is that bad? that it's hardly ever that i come in here when he's around? nah, i guess not. honestly, i enjoy my time with him more than writing pointlessly to myself. perhaps it always won't be like that. and there are definitely times that i need to be alone, just because i need it. and i do take it. but the computer is not the place i'd go first.

i want to clean this room up so that it will make a better prayer closet.

ok, i'm determined to do two things while paul's in detroit. first, clean this apartment out so that he hardly recognizes it. that includes the closets, which i have never really understood or liked. unfortunately, my quads and butt are so sore from working out yesterday that i don't really feel like standing and bending and lifting to clean. blecchh. second, i need to spend hours alone and in prayer until i get a handle on my job and school situation, my life goals and my self image.

i think it bugs me that all i've ever done is take other people's ideas for my life. i never do something original that just came out of my own guts. that's why i feel like maybe the only way to get something to come out of my own self is to just write and write...
case in point - i was an english major because melissa suggested it. i went to stolaf because i knew dad approved. i did a spanish major because i was halfway there when i started, and i had two friends from my corridor in those classes. i thought of teaching because that's all i see from my parents and my friends, and that's what everyone expects from someone with degrees in english and spanish.

maybe this is all crap. maybe i just like to blame stuff on other people. i actually do make my own choices, and i actually do have real reasons for all those decisions, reasons that come from me and who i am. but i think it also is valid to say that often i need someone to point something out in me, or suggest a path, before i even notice it's there. i feel so blind.

God, you are the one whose path i want to follow. but how will i know? how do i know it's not my own stupid idea, or someone else's stupid suggestion?

how much do you take into consideration what other people say about you? about what you'd be good at? about what path is good? and also other people's examples?

will i know because i'll be excited about it from the bottom of my heart?

not everyone who you've ever led has felt that way about your will.

is that the only way to know?

what if i don't feel that way about anything?

so - i guess i'd better get going on that cleaning....

Thursday, January 11

paul's asleep still -- but his dad woke us up an hour ago to tell us that paul's brother's fiancee had broken off the engagement. well. i guess here's even more reason for me to feel like i don't understand them. or can't relate to them. breaking off an engagement because you met someone else?! no, i don't want to be self rightous or anything. but let's just say - it doesn't surprise me.

we put up new bookshelves in the office. they look great. we added, thus, about 12 feet of shelf space. it's already full. i seriously fear for our future, with paul's collecting, and with the saving gene built into me. can't we just chuck it all and move to zimbabwe?

Wednesday, January 10

So i'm home alone again. home with the cat. and feeling very lazy about it indeed. man, sometimes i think i really could be a stay at home wife. it would be an easy gig. other times, when i'm in my right mind, i realize what a waste that would be. but to know it's a waste, i'd have to know what else i'm made for, what else i'm capable of.

i'm sorry, perhaps it's just a symptom of being 22 that makes me want to wander the world, with nothing but a pack on my back and my own two feet? i can't think of anything else that makes so much sense.

i think i respond to paul differently too, since he's employed and on a career track and i'm not. i feel like i want him to question his life choices too, to reconsider if he should really be in seminary, to examine his gifts and his callings and his desires, and see if pastor is truly the best fit. personally, i think he'd make a better librarian.

it also bugs me that the journal i bought him is sitting on a shelf. he could at least give it a try. i swear, it works, it's good for you.

i'm trying to develop some motivation to start improving this fat butt of mine. i've got exercise shoes in the closet, weights downstairs, and greek books on the shelf. i'd be perfectly happy to throw myself into these things, if i didn't feel guilty about not spending time looking for a job. perhaps this is backwards, though. perhaps if i'm actually doing something with my days, it will be easier to be proactive about getting work. you know how they say, "if you want something done, ask the busiest person you know - they'll get it done"... if i start being efficient with my days in general, maybe i won't waste my time sitting here because i don't want to confront the working world.